I April Fooled Myself Getting a Tan

April 1st 2010 we Chicagoans awakened to the promise of a beautiful Sping day with temperatures reaching the mid to high 70's.  The kind of day that lends to ditching work. This promise was kept and so my story begins.

Although it was April Fools day, most of my tweeps (need I say on Twitter?) were updating creatively deceptive ways for getting out of work.  Here are a few:  Tell your boss you have a doctors appointment you totally forgot about. Another one I liked was, today is the last day for me to take my car in for the recall. The most serious excuses were sudden illnesses or family members getting sick. (not one I would use, cuz you can jinx yourself).

Fortunately, we have our own business so there really isn't any reason to make up excuses to get out and enjoy a beautiful day. I, for one, listen to others who probably know better than myself.  So I decided to get outside immediately.  All I had to do is foward the phones to my cell, make a big ass drink and lotion up.  The first two went without incident.  HOWever, the part of my plan... not so much! I put lotion on and headed up the stairs, only to second guess my applicaton process.  At the last minute it dawned on me to put some product on my face. It's Easter this weekend and I want to look healthy and tanned.  The face being the first thing people notice.  MUST add more product!

I closed my eyes, held my breath and proceeded to spray on this quick dry tanning stuff I bought last year.  What could possibly be go wrong, right?  HOLY SHIT STORM!!!! The first thing that happened was, I couldn't catch my breath.  The spray was all alcoholy and it took my breath away.  Then I felt piercing needles poking me in the eyes.  Not literally, but my eyes were burning sooooo bad, it made my nose run.

I have to admit, this was probably one of those ridiculous moments in my life were I should acknowledge READ THE INSTRUCTIONS first.  My eyes are burning so bad I can barely see what I am typing this very moment.

If I knew then that spraying quick dry tanning lotion on my face was going to asphyxiate and blind me.  I would never have used it in that way.  What I know now is something I am sure someone way smarter than me once said, "think before you act!"

This is not an April Fools prank! May my stupidity help you from ever experiencing this searing paing I have in my eyes.

Don't be surprised to see more of the same...

Sneaking a nip here and there

Earlier today I shared a few tweets with the world renown comedian Josh Wolf ( @joshwolfcomedy ). You've all experienced his comedy stylings on the E Network show, Chelse Lately. He's the guy Chelsea and crew call out as "the good looking one."  Easily recognized by his signature baseball hat turned backwards and rugged good looks. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I'm just saying...

Anyway, I wanted to make sure he was that dude on Chelsea, so I googled him.  The first link I clicked was this one where he talks about a lesson he taught his teenage son. 

The physics of vodka: http://www.imdb.com/video/hulu/vi3893953049/

Watching the video reminded me of when I was barely a teenager, my brother and I use to sneak a sip and ilute the alcohol in "the liquor cabinet." We were young and impetuous kids, trying to get away with little nip here and there.  We would only take, the alleged, nips from the special bottles.  The expensive stuff our parents would pull out for special occasions.

At the time we thought it was funny when these people would take sips of these exotic tequilas and vodkas and comment on how smooth they are and: how they couldn't even taste the alcohol.  WE thought that was hilarious!  Hahaha, probably not so funny now, if they only knew... There were a few instances where I can remember my mother saying, "I think this has gone bad!"  It looks cloudy, with white stuff floating in the bottle. There were a few times when they opened the bottle and OUCH it smelled like crap!

Unfortunatley, what we didn't know then... but I know now is, that when you dilute liquor past a certain point the contents of the bottle change. Strange things begin to grow in there. Much like the physics of vodka changes and it can mysteriously freeze from diluting.  Also, bacteria can grow in a bottle that contains mostly water instead of the original spirits.

I never told anyone that story.  No one knew back then what we were up to. To make amends, I want to share some knowledge with parents they can benefit from.

Why would I think you would want to know?

Everyone, at one time or another, has had an experience where if they had known better, they probably would have done things differently. That knowledge would have influenced their decisions, forever altering the outcome of influential events in their lives. "If I knew then... What I know now."

The idea came to me a long time ago. At one point I actually wanted to write a book titled "If I knew then what I know now." I have A.D.D., so that's not gonna happen. What I want to with this blog, is to have a place where we document and share those, life changing, experiences of when someone says or thinks "if I knew then... what I know now."

As best I can remember, as a kid I was afforded an opportunity to accompany my father, from New Orleans to Miami, on one of his business trips. We spent the week meeting with his Florida based, South American business contacts (no, he wasn't a drug dealer). I was impressed to find out, these associates of his, were the presidents and CEOs of large shipping companies. As a teenager, at the time, I was old enough to know my father was a VP at his company; but not old enough to care one way or the other. All I knew was, he's my dad, he happens to be one of the Vice Presidents working at this compay were we hang out at after school.

While sitting in on one of the meetings, I realized something extraordinary, these guys were literally up my dad's ass! They were seriously brown nosing him. Wow, my dad was some sort of a big shot! Who would have known???

I'm not sure what it was, but they knew something I didn't know. They were so obvious, it was embarrassing  We were wined (not me) and dined at swanky country clubs for lunch and five star restaurants, like "The Forge" for dinner. We were provided with a car and driver to take us from the hotel to wherever we wanted to go. I wasn't compaining, I'm just saying...

OK, let's get to the point! Don't ask me why, but around the third day, it occured to me that I could probably do whatever I wanted. So I decided to pick these guys brains. I asked them things like, hiring a college graduate versus someone without a degree; and if it's important to speak mulitple languages. I also asked stuff about dealing with foreign companies and politics. I'm sure I asked a bunch more; but you get the point. Eventually, I asked (I am sure, not in these exact words) "If you could give me advice today that could help me in the future, what would that be? Something that you now know, that you might not have known when you were younger. That thing you wish you would have known to where you would have done things differently. DUH! "If I knew then, what I know now"

Most of them gave the patent response of "wish I would have payed attention in school" or "I wouldn't have voted for Nixon" and "why do you ask such stupid questions?" plus "I wish I would have listened to whatever, blah blah blah." What I remember most is what the gentlemen said, who answered me by starting off with, "well... if I knew then, what I know now. He then began explaining about how if he would have listened to everyone and used a condom. How certain things in his life would have turned out differently. (use your imagine to fill in the blanks).

With this blog, I want people to share those experiences we have of knowing the outcome of decisions we've made. If I knew then... (that thing which would have made a difference, before a specific even) What I know now. (the result of what you now know, after it happened)

If you've ever heard someone say hindsight is 20/20, then you know what I mean.  I want to avoid ever saying that in my future and the future of others. Please share your insight into experiences that have altered your life for the better or worse, so that future generations may benefit from this knowledge.